I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Sober January is a disaster.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
