you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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