hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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