Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
