First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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