I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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