remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I checked into jail on foursquare
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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