Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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