I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Houston, we have a blender
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
