New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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