i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
