I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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