i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
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