I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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