i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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