Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
