Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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