Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
