DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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