my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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