he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
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