hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
