All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
