Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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