I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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