Have you finally orgasmed yet?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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