We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
