$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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