I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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