I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
