Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
