How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I think my vagina is haunted
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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