Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
