Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
