you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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