I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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