3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
