Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I don't think brook has ever known best
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
