I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
