My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Alive.
So much puke
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
