i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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