We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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