He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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