i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
