I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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