im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
