This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
