i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
