I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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