You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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