Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
