I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
