we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
