I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
