$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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