Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
