I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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