Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
