the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
