i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
