super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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